The Poem of Sam

Once apon a time there was a man
His name was Sam
He was born apon a pile of spam in a can
Occasionally, he would smell of roast ham.
I dunno how to explain it, considering the lack of tan.
But we loved him anyways, he was such a cute little lamb.
One day he wanted to wipe the world of emo, here was his plan:
"Make like a Japanese school boy and cram!"
He would yell across to their clan.

We later found out
that instead of the usual pout
The Emo began about
A very disturbing practice with out a doubt
"NO! Oh god! I didn't mean like that!" he would shout.
And he would repeatedly strike himself with a trout.

Seeing this daring act
The Emo returned once more to their usual pact
On and on it went until their wrists were no longer intact.
Apon seeing this and his failure, Sam's Giraffe was later sacked.

When a story turns for the worse it's only right it introduce
The new top leader in produce!
Orange.
(DAMN-ange)

Well the story is not all doomed aside from that last note
Because now, I've given Sam a boat!
While pulling on his pink frilly coat,
He began to wonder how he would go about his next smote.
Meanwhile the emos continued to do as I wrote.
Currently, they were slitting each others throats!

This reminded Sam of his many pals.
So he summoned a pumpkin, oh what a gal!

She was spicey, she was dicey, and she had one hell of a kick.
She rode up fast in her orange clad Buick.
The stereo was on and techno was the music.
Her weapon of choice: A rusty toothpic.

I'm not gonna lie
The emos weren't scared, they wanted to die.
They even dared to make silly faces as they ran by.
Oh my!

They just spanked a horse, now Rachel was pissed.
"I'll cut you like an Emo!" She dissed.
Suddenly she was perplexed, as they disappeared in too a teary emo mist.
In a rage she cursed right down the list.
"Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck a Donald Duck!"
Sam was sad, I mean that's just bad luck.
Rachel's the best, everyone else is the suck.

He sent her away
and he moved to Tampa Bay
He got fatter and fatter on Fondu and Falay
Whilst on his binge he discovered the evil of bacon.
The streaks in the meat began to remind him, and he wondered where the emo were taken.
Deidcated to finding this truth he sought out a Jamacian.

He told him of unicorns, rainbows, and lepracauns.
Sam even picked up some tips on decorating his lawn.
When he got all he needed, he bid him so long.
Than the Jamacian went back to playing ping pong.

Let's hope he's not wrong
We want those Emos gone
And off he goes 'mon!

All of a sudden a Ninja sprung out of the trees
and drop kicked Sam in the back of the knees!
He was out cold, catchin' some Z's
The Ninja was crazy and roared in bloodlust
when Megan the pirate appeared in disgust
"Give me my money, you son of a bitch!"
The Ninja than skillfully rolled into a ditch
Megan ran after without a second glance
while the Ninja began the ancient fruitloop dance.
Megan was confused
and Sam still lay there quite abused
When the Ninja disappeared, very much amused.
Megan ran after
trying to get there faster
While Sam lay alone once more
He awoke quiet suddenly when he heard noise from the shore
It was the Emos! In all their splendor and lore
Determined to end this now he let out a throaty roar.
But was silenced once more by a beating with a door.
"Grr!" He muttered aghast.
when he woke up again atlast
when will this end?
will there be more suffering at the continuity of this trend?

(INCOMPLETE since 2006)

Intended Poetry of Fuckery.

I fully intend to make this a fucked up blog entry.
I feel really whoosh right now. Like...just go along with it.

I'm gonna try to write the dumbest poem in the century.
His name was Henry btw. He smoked Pineapples.
Now before you all judge [insert ryme here]
His mom was a dolphin, and his dad was Raviolie
He married his cat, and had 12 Rolie-Olies.
I did not make this up, that is a show.
On the Disney network, now go suck my toe.
One day, when he was walking along.
He saw a great big Gorilla wearing a tight purple thong.
"Omageez!" He exclaimed, "What could that be?!"
"My name is Mattmann" It said, "Now clean up my pee!!"
Frightened and scared and all those other things
Henry ran away fast, and found a table of kings.
One, two, three, four, these kings smelt like moose.
Five, six, seven, eight, look at me! I rap like Dr. Suess!
They, the kings, a table of eight.
All sat around and played chess "Checkmate!"
"Wow can I play?" Henry said," I'm the best that can be!"
"No, you drive trains, now clean up our pee!!"
Frightened and scared and all those other words.
Henry ran away fast, when he fell into a horde of birds!
They squack, they snatch, and they snack on your spleen.
If it wasn't for them your room would not remain clean.
I'm getting quite tired, i do not know where I'm going with this.
I should end it soon, and no! I shall not clean up your piss!
Too end this quick, lets make this dramatic.
Henry cut them and stuffed them and hid them in his attic.
When the police came, looking for the birds
all they found was great big piles of pineapple turds.
"What have you been growing here?" They wondered aloud.
"Pineapples! Now together we can reach the clouds!"
So together, they were all happy.
Until they all OD'd, yes i know, this is crappy.
But this is my story, and I'm sticking with it.
and I don't care if you liked it one bit.
Please leave a comment, I know you want to.
Or Mattmann will get you, and he'll eat your shoe.

(2006)